​

​

DEAR NATALIE WEBSITE BUILDER
(In response to a scam email)

 

Dear Natalie website builder

I received your email asking me if I would like you to improve my website and for the love of dog you must be psychic! At the very moment the email plopped into my inbox, I was sitting on the toilet having a relaxing shit thinking "I would really like Natalie the website builder person to give my website a going over"

At the moment, as you no doubt saw when perusing the site in your hi tech flabrablat, it is currently very basic. I am a bit of a Luddite when it comes to websites and the like. I don't know my arms from my elbow. I never understood that saying. Surely your elbows are an integral part of your arms? But I wiped my arms like a good boy, like mommy told me to.

Anyway, what do I want from my website? I want it to smell of roses on a summer day. And pig shit on a winter’s day, because if I feel gloomy I want every other fucker to feel the same.

I want it to be soothing colours with a deafening noise. I like contrasts. Most of all I want it to grab scammers by the scruff of the neck, drag them through the screen and into the bowels of Donald Trump where they will be forced to listen to the restless ghosts of his ancestors playing the bagpipes. I want it to play the pipes of peace, love and understanding. I want it to rise up and smash the system. I want it to squirt liqid gold at peeple who can't spell.

It is so good of you to offer to do this for me. Most people do nothing free of charge in this capitalist hellhole. You are wonderful. I love you. Will you marry me? 

​

​

​

Dear British chess federation. Or should that be brutish chess federation?

I think the game you promote needs a massive overhaul to bring it into the 21st century. I used to enjoy the game, and I have to say that is a painful confession. I pray every night that i will not go to Hell. It's bad enough living in Swindon without having the afterlife ruined in a similar way because of a mistake I made as a naive kid.

Let's examine it shall we? It is black against white. White always has the privilege of moving first, immediately putting the black pieces at a disadvantage. But that is not all, is it?
Let's face it, the queen does a lot of the running around while the king only ever moves one square at a time unless the spineless bastard is bolting into his castle for safety ( I would say entering his rook, but that sounds depraved even on royal standards).. Also, where is Prince Andrew? Nowhere to be seen. Pizza Express, probably. Or maybe in some sort of club alongside the like minded bishops.
Anyway, the king does fuck all except watch the pawns suffer, but if he gets killed that's it, game over. Yet the busy queen can die and is sometimes even deliberately sacrificed, and no one really gives a shit. "Did you see that queen sacrifice? Sheer genius!"
I'm sure you can see where I am going with this.
It disgusts me.

Modernise. Replace kings, queens, bishops and all that bollocks with TV personalities. News Reader, reality TV star, cartoon animal etc. Go for less provocative colours. Blue and yellow stripes taking on magenta, for example, with no one making the first move. That way no one gets killed, there are no misogynistic sacrifices, and onlookers just as quickly fall asleep, thus nullifying any claims that the game has gone woke.

I hope I have pricked your extremely bigoted consciences and forced you into action.

I challenge you to a game of restructured chess where my first move, were I allowed to make one, would be muppet to hairy biker 4.

Thank you in advance for bringing chess into the modern age by adopting my principles. I expect a knighthood, which will of course be renamed a quizshowhosthood, for my services to your pathetic little wargame.

Checkmate.