Poems

LOST IN MUSIC

 

I was listening to music the other day
by the famous girl band The Sheatles,
made up of Joan Lennon, Paula Cartney,  

Georgia Risson and Lyn Go-star.
Such great songs. Can't find me gloves,
Jet Black, the wrong 'un slimy toad
to name but three.
Of course, Cartney went on
to record hits like Muff of Kintyre with Wings.
After listening to them
I listened to no tits Redding
shitting on the dock of a bay,
which was different.

I've always liked music
but the first musical I saw
was a misunderstanding.
I thought I was going to see
a comedian called Les Miseryballs.

I enjoyed it though

But I did feel sorry for Gusset, poor girl

Talking of entertainment
that 1939 movie, Don With the Wind,
with Dark Table playing a US President

farting loudly then following through
was way ahead of its time, wasn't it?

Great movie. The best movie. Everyone says it.

Everyone knew Don would be
in the sex fiend files, didn't they?
I'm surprised nightclub impresario

Peter Mingefellow wasn't in them to be honest.

I am an art lover.
I'm puzzled why Bigasso didn't change his name

to Normal sized asso,
and I think Andy Sore hole
should have concentrated on
tubes of haemorrhoid cream rather than
cans of soup, but that's a personal opinion.

My biggest passion is sport.
I love most sports.
I remember some classic tennis matches
between Novax Floppydick and Giraffa Nadal.
Giraffa Nadal had some neck didn't he?

Football, or soccer, is the big one though.
Will some of the British fans at the world cup
be coming home on the Crying Scotsman?
And will the English be singing

the Steven Ghastly Lennon song,

" it's a scummy gnome" again?

Absolutely love football, but I must say
Manchester United owner Jim Batshit
can cluck right off.
Billionaire dax todger living in Europe
saying how bad immigration is.
I hope he sells the club,
jumps on a Skittish Airways flight
to visit his money in moanerco
and, err, banks himself into oblivion.

Anyway. I'm off to read the enlightened
bible story of Madam and Eve now.

Toodlepip. 

​

----------------------------------------

The letter g appeared in random places in the following poem....

 

GEE WHIZZ  

 

I'm writing this in the Wiltshire town of Swingdong
with my hair in a pongy tail,
wishing I was in Longdong, Lisbong or Gnu York.
I am thinking about radio
and how mangy old presenters end up on gradio two.
I don't glisten to that station myself,
but I imagine they play a lot of old mugsic
like The Begatles, the rolling stonges,

Rick Gastley, Simon Lebong, U2 and Bongo.

The Beach Bogies. Dirge Straits.

They may even stretch to the Spice Girgles

and morgue modern boring stuff like Coldplague.
Not to mention Rongun Keating,
who sounds like he  could get himself
In a g spot of bother.
As does Scottish writer Grabbie Burns,
who was not as good as Wigglem Shakespeare.

Back to the music though
and some of those bands
are those you could have listened to
whilst driving your Hillman Gimp or Ford Ganglia
down the dougal carriageway back in the day.
Fine until you broke down and had to call
The RAC or the GAGA.

I could be winging and dinging
with a beautiful woman now,
or at least eating bangoffee pie
and watching Monty Pythong.

Instead I'm dogging this.

Anyway, I seem to be going round in circles now
and all I know about circles
is that the area of one is pig r squared
and for some reason that makes me think of David Camerong,

So I shall leave it there. 

​

​

​

THE STATE OF LABOUR

 

Keir Starmer.
Zionist apologist,  poodle of Trump
licking his arse, sucking his stump
to keep the tariffs down.
Always metaphorically, no doubt.
Not even Starmer, the pensioner harmer
no.more a socialist than Clarkson the farmer,
would stoop to that level,
suck off the devil
for the “good” of the nation.

His New Labour incarnation
with its Reeves and Lammy double whammy.
attacked the sick, trampled the poor
whilst all the time making sure
to protect the super rich. The billionaires.
If you can't afford to eat nobody cares.
If you're sentient you're fit for work.
Don't be a scrounger. Go out and earn!

It's almost like he's clearing the way
For that fabled day

when the flagshaggers have their say.

The knuckledragger's treat.
Nigel Farage in Downing Street. 

​

--------------------------------------

​

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

Imagine if it had been Liquorice
who flew too close to the sun.

If the philosopher Playdough

had relationships named after him.
The playdough-nic relationship

would be a thing.

If Dubious Geezer had led Roman armies

would anything have changed?

Imagine a musical called Squeeze us twice, superstar.
How would Judith and Harriet figure in it?

Could Good king Senseless bastard
have been George III' s inspiration?
It would explain a lot.

What would have happened if

Fellatio Nelson had lived?
Would we have seen Napoleon blown

apart?

How different would the world look now
if Christopher the numb nuts had explored?
And how was Captain James cooked?

The incredibly prolific Wolfgang Haveadayoff Mozart

would have composed considerably fewer masterpieces.

 

We would have had piss for our time

thanks to Prime Minister Neville Chamberpot.

Who WAS gozif Gerbils?

 

 The Goon show would have been very different

with a Hairy Threesome.

Eunuch Powell would not have had the balls
to spout shameless racist shit.
Rivers of blood?
That's what happens when they chop your knackers off!

Bored Toucan would have been found.
He couldn't fly too far.
He would have a large bill from his lawyers
And still would have been caged.

Maggie Flasher may have been arrested
before she could crush the unions.

Squirrel Smith would have been an actual rodent

rather than just being called a filthy rat.

Imagine if Selfish Presley had told
Colonel Parker to sling his hook
and kept all the money.
On the subject of music
would people have listened to
Atilla Black and Peculiar Clarke?
What if Bingo star had won so much at the game
he never played the drums?

As for modern politics
Phoney Blair and George Daftasabrush
were pretty well named.

Now we have the era  of 
Gone astray Gump in the states
and Deer Farmer in the UK
with Fishy New Mack
no longer causing a stink.

And still the world keeps on turning.

We just have to hope that
Hadabeer Putin remains reasonably sober

and doesn't press the button.

If only Rottenrhymer had dedicated
his entire life to writing awful poetry.

​

(From "Dig This and Smile, Alien Buddha Press, 2025)

​

--------------------------------------

THE BIGGER ISSUES 

Some people seek answers to big issues

like the meaning of life,

or what happens to us when we die.

 

To them my issues are small fry,

insignificant in the scheme of things

and i have to confess, that stings.

Because I may not be intellectual,

my grey cells are somewhat ineffectual

when deep thought is deemed essential,

but to me, the small things matter more.

 

What are wasps actually for?

They get mildly angry and it's all out war.

You try to repel them and they sting you to fuck.

Then they do it one more time for luck.

They show no compassion, not one little bit

The barbarous pointless stripy shits.

 

When I want to appear clever

I step it up a level and ask questions like....

 

Why is a fear of long words
known as hippopoto-monstroses-

quipp-edaliophobia?
What sort of sadistic bastard
thought hippopoto-monstroses-

quipp-edaliaphobia was a suitable word
for a fear of long words?
 

Fucks sake…

 

If music be the food of love,

are cheese quavers an aphrodisiac?

Is there such a thing as cheese semiquavers

to give a quick thrill?

If so, toss one my way if you will.

 

On the subject of food,

does a fruitfly count as one of your five a day?

I have my doubts

but if it does I can ditch the sprouts.

They're not veggies, it's a well known fact

They are Beelzebub's scrotal sac.

 

It's not just food that fascinates me.

Other things I need to know.

 

What do vegans call their spam folder?

 

Is a really hard Englishman in Australia

called a Pommy Granite?
If I wrote a book on the history of censorship

would they ban it?
Is David Icke for real, damn it?

 

If a murder of crows didn't mean to get together

are they a manslaughter?

 

Do waterpolo players ride seahorses?

Are you lot bored stiff, or is it rigor mortis?

 

If you buy a wok on the internet

is it an ewok?

When it arrives are you in for a shock?

 

And here's a thing.

Will the first non binary monarch

be called their majesty the qing?

 

When they assess the age of a dinosaur fossil

is it even remotely possible

to know if it used anti ageing creams?

Calculations could all go to hell

if it used those products by L'oreal.

 

But the question that concerns me most

may come as a surprise.

 

If you stick your head down the toilet,

Which is not very wise,

do you get floaters in your eyes?

((From Musical Hamsters and Much Bigger Issue, ABP, 2024)

​

--------------------------------------

​

ACHOO

 

My neighbour sneezes like

he's just had his gonads put through a bacon slicer.
The noise is terrifying.
When I first moved in
I called the police because
I thought someone was being murdered.
The copper laughed and said
if they had a pound
for every time they had been called out
because Herbert was sneezing,
we would have a properly funded force
and they would be able to investigate

robberies and everything..
I hate it when people talk nonsense.

He gets done for a breach of the peace
every time he gets a cold.
Rumour has it he got the flu once
and his dog exploded.
I’m not sure how that would work
but I do sometimes see him
dragging a box of fireworks on a lead
as if he's hoping for a replay.

My other neighbour thinks he's Donald Trump
So I had him shot by Herbert.
Unfortunately he sneezed
as he pulled the trigger
and not only did he only shoot half of Trump’s ear off
but lots of cats were blown into orbit.
The ear miraculously grew back within a week
but the cats are now approaching Mars.

I wish I'd listened to those who warned me
that this is a dodgy neighbourhood
But eggs were cheap at the corner shop
and that drew me in.
I like a nice cheap egg.

But alas all the roosters
caught the flu off Herbert
and I can't afford eggs anymore.

 

Fuck my life.

​

(Dig This and Smile, 2025)