Poems

WISDOM  

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There are many old proverbs,
old adages by which people try
to live their lives.
Some of them are very wise of course
but in the end we find our own way,
develop our own ideas
even if they can be weird.

Me, I'm a bit of a sage.
A modern day guru.
And though ultimately you have to do you
I'm going to share my wisdom
with anyone who will listen.
If you don't want to know,
I'm not that fussed.
But believe me I've got
this life shit sussed.

If it looks good and tastes good
it's probably gonna make you fat
and fuck your heart up.

If you can keep your head
when all around are losing theirs
You're probably too stupid
to understand what's going on.

A bird in the hand will probably
shit on your fingers.

The only certainties in life
are death and taxes
and people telling you
that the only certainties in life
are death and taxes
when clearly they are talking bullshit
because, well...sunrise, sunset...
and Harry stiles ruining music.

If you can't stand the heat
it's probably because
the chip pan's on fire.

The king charles spaniel
Is so called because it has very big ears
and is totally unsuitable
to be head of state.
Just like the real thing.

A great philosopher once said
you can lead a horse to water

but you can't make it use soap

But most important of all

If at first you don't succeed
try try try something else.
It'll save a lot of disappointment
In the long run.

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HOW TO WRITE A JOB REFERENCE FOR SOMEONE WHO THINKS YOU HAVE FORGIVEN THEM

 

Thank you for giving me
the opportunity to supply
a reference for Billy, or sweaty bollocks

as he was known in prison.
Not without some justification, I'm lead to believe.

I met Billy in the heyday of football hooliganism.
Admittedly I was only doing a stretch
for ATTEMPTED murder
and playing Adam & the ants
in a public place
(sentences running concurrently),
but I looked up to Billy

for having the courage of his convictions
in his hatred of Oxford United.
Ok, he took it a bit too far
but he was young.

We became friends and
committed a few armed robberies together

when we were released,
but we never got caught

as we framed the local Tory election candidate,
who incidentally is due out
in a couple of weeks,
but I can honestly say
he has turned his back on violence
and did some voluntary work
as treasurer of the bowls club
until they went bankrupt.

You would be lucky indeed
to employ someone of Billy's quality.

With what you pay I have to
think back to the days where he would

only consider working for you
if he was eyeing up embezzlement opportunities,

to be honest.
What giant strides he has made.

On the hygiene front,

I'm told his bollocks are no longer sweaty.

I am sure that provided
you allow him to smoke weed on duty,

he will be a loyal employee.
He is intolerant of heavy handed opposition

to drug use at work,
but he maintains that
the shrooms were not his.

I hope you will give him the job,
as he owes me that five grand
I lent him to bribe the coppers,
and I want it back.

He is not an arsonist.

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UK POLITICS 2022/23
 

This is the 6.00 news from the  BBC
With me. Whoever I am.

Good evening.
Where to start?
I've read the script.
I think someone has spiked my drink.
I thought I knew who the Prime Minister was.
And then I blinked.
Or is it blunk?
I dunno. Am I drunk?

Look. All i know is, you couldn't make it up.
They inflicted Boris Johnson on us.
He was selfish and corrupt.
and loyal to sex offenders
and had cheeky lock down workplace benders.
And lied to the Queen,
which was obviously obscene.
Much more important
than killing thousands through wilful negligence,
through self centred arrogance.
But he knew all about ancient Greece
and got lenient treatment from the police,
yet still became the first PM

since the beginning of time
to break the law and pay a fine.

Then things got REALLY weird.

He resigned but carried on.
Well sort of carried on.
He disappeared and did fuck all
until someone else finally got the call,
elected by no one except Tory twats,
old fossils and fat cats.
Fuck the electorate,
worthless prats!

And the choice was made.
Liz Truss was on a mission
to force common sense into submission.
Kwasi was made the chancellor
and by way of grateful thanks to her
gave the bankers their bonuses back,
reduced the top rate of income tax
and crashed the pound into the ground,
interest rate rises were abound
and even the Tories knew we were Fucked.
Kwasi was sacked,
Truss hidden away,
and so began another day.
A bloodless coup led by Jeremy Hunt
another corrupt and nasty-
what rhymes with Hunt?
But that was a few months ago

I haven't checked the situation recently
I don't want to know
Maybe Fozzie Bear is Prime Minister
to counteract a chancellor so sinister.
Or maybe Chris Grayling has been revived
and all his gaffs will be televised.
We the people will have no say,
but the idiots vote Tory anyway.

Nope. I've just been informed
It's Rishi Sunak.

He who was implicated in

the partygate thing.
But what does that matter
when you're richer than the king?

He of the tax dodging wife
and the green card to a quieter life,
Because he will be disgraced

Sunak or later
when the health service is on a respirator.
When the nurses and doctors are all on strike,
mega rich Rishi will be on his bike

In other news
no one cares about Palestine
old man Putin has crossed the line
and we're all gonna be nuked
because people are strange.

Oh well. No need to worry about climate change.

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ORAL B

(On receiving a scam email claiming to be from Boots Pharmacy, saying I had won a toothbrush!)

Dear Boots

 

Or is it shoes? Or Slippers?

One can never be too sure these days.

Some people have no sole

and it can be quite a feet

to tell if an email is genuine.

with the quite socking amount of

scams on the internet.

 

I hope one day someone will

put their best foot forward

to heel the world of this scourge.

 

Regarding the toothbrush.

I am so excited to be getting it.

I've never owned anything better

than a supermarket own brand

and as a result of this impoverishment

I lost all my teeth at a young age.

 

The tooth fairy boycotted my house

because she said I deserved all I got

for not buying Oral B,

so I'm hoping if I brush my gums regularly

with the exciting new acquisition

my teeth will grow back,

possibly less crooked than they used to be.

Crooked teeth are almost as abominable

as crooked people.

 

I do hope this brilliant new toothbrush

is rocket fuelled?

I am a lazy sod

and the effort of manually brushing my gums

and eventually my teeth

will be too much effort

after a hard day's sucking.

I must thank you for this awesome

rocket fuelled toothbrush.

 

Please forgive me for replying in this manner.

I do bristle at emails with links.

I can't handle them.

I know Boots wouldn't scam me

but you can never be too careful, can you?

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YOU NEVER KNOW 

 

You never know what each day will bring
what is happening or about to happen.
Take yesterday for example.
I like to think I'm open minded,
ready for any eventuality
but the last thing I expected
was to walk into my office
and find a penguin sitting at my desk
reading the bible.
It's usually mucky magazines.

I don't know if he was converted,
he hasn't spoken to me since I mistook him for a badger
but as far as i can tell
he is still a penguin.

This got me thinking.
You never know when you're time is up.
If he had had a gun
the consequences don't bear thinking about.
Or in this case, penguin thinking about.
There are no bears in this poem.

Luckily for me
and for the meerkat
he didn't.

The meerkat?
Yeah, he was trying to sell me car insurance.
Not sure how he got in the office-
I confiscated his key last week
after he organised an orgy
and advertised it on facebook.

I had an office full of aroused meerkats
and perverted insurance brokers.
It was traumatising.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is
make the most of every day.
By the time that penguin gets to your house
he may have a gun
or he may try to lure you into a religious cult.
You just don't know,
so make sure your loved ones know how you feel
and keep all your doors and windows locked.
There is, after all, a radicalised penguin on the loose.
And some kinky insurance brokers,
which is even worse.

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